Three Traits of Exceptional Partners

In the years since becoming a therapist, and especially in my work with couples as an Advanced Trained Gottman Couples therapist here in Portland, Oregon, I've noticed a number of traits that genuinely happy and fulfilled couples seem to have in common. If you are looking to take your relationship to the next level, consider raising your personal standards in any of the following ways below, remembering that if you want a better relationship, it begins with looking at one's own self first and foremost.

1. Exceptional partners have a good idea about what makes it difficult to have themselves for a partner, and they feel a sense of appreciation and respect for the challenges their own personality presents for their partner at times. It is easy enough for most people to list off a handful of traits that make it difficult to have their significant other for a partner, but when the question is turned back on oneself- "What makes it difficult to have MYSELF for a partner?"- the exceptional partner demonstrates a rare willingness to identify their own shortcomings, and  backs this up with a steady commitment to managing and keeping their own difficult traits and imperfections in check so that they don't impact their partner in unfair ways.

2. Exceptional partners understand that while they are not responsible for their partner's happiness, contributing to their  partner's happiness is nonetheless a top priority. Several years ago, I placed a bed frame up for sale. A couple arrived to purchase it. As they dismantled the bed piece by piece, there was an attitude of playfulness and a sense of mutual joy they took in one another that was striking in its rarity. "What's your secret?" I asked them. They shared that the secret of their successful marriage was that every morning they ask themselves, "What might I do today to let my partner feel loved?" Exceptional partners make it a habit to be exceptionally thoughtful. They seem to recognize that life is short and seek out ways on a regular basis to express their love. For these couples, love is indeed not just a feeling but an active verb.

3. Exceptional partners ask a lot of themselves, and not more nor less of their partners. It is often said that we should ask more from ourselves than others because this is the one thing that is in our control. However, this advice has its limits when it comes to the person we spend our lifetime beside day in and day out. Exceptional partners consider themselves a work-in-progress, and make a habit of expressing their needs and desires  in a direct yet respectful way. They insist on both treating their partner well while also being treated well in return. In other words, they invest heavily in the success of the relationship and expect their partner to bring this same level of consideration and commitment.

How To Have A Successful Therapy Experience

In the time since becoming a therapist, I have yet to have one client ask me where I received my master's degree, or where I did my training, or a word about my licenses. What clients want to know is, "Can you help me? Can you offer me anything at all that will bring me some relief from the pain I'm in?" Some also have other questions they may or may not be as likely to articulate, questions such as "Are you going to judge and reject me if you know the 'real' me? Are you going to understand me? Is this just going to be a supreme waste of my time and money?"

I always ask new clients that come to me if they've been in therapy before, and if so, how it went. If therapy is a new experience, I ask what their goals and expectations are going in of themselves, of me as their potential therapist, and of the therapy process. I like to borrow a question two of my favorite author-therapists, Terry Real, and his colleague, Lisa Merlo-Booth, have shared they ask their own clients- "If this therapy is a stunning success, what will that look like?"

Below I'd like to offer some tips that will increase the likelihood that your therapy experience will be worth your time, effort, and money.

1) Do your homework.

Ask yourself direct questions. What qualities are important to you in a therapist? Do you prefer they have a certain working style? background? Is a sense of humor important to you, or do you prefer a more reserved approach? How far are you willing to travel and how far will make it less likely you will attend regularly? Preferred gender or age range?

Equally important, what qualities don't you want in your therapist? I have a close friend who saw a therapist for several years whom she casually mentioned she felt little connection to. "How come?," I inquired. "Because," she replied," she never is willing to disclose anything about her own life. She knows everything about me but refuses to breathe a word about herself." You may be the type of client who doesn't want your therapist to disclose anything about themselves, and thats fine, just be aware of your needs going in, and why.

2) Be clear on your goals, and learn to consistently ask for what you need.

Spend some time answering for yourself what a "stunning success" will look like. How will you know that therapy is working well? What will be different? How will you feel? What will your relationships look like? Your body? Your day to day habits and ways of being and thinking in the world? What will others notice about you that is different? Most importantly, what will be different about you?

Too often I find people are sparklingly clear about what will be different about their spouse, their children, or their boss... "Oh, she won't be such a relentless nag" or "He won't be such a massively royal pain in the ass..." It gets a little...fuzzier....when asked how they, themselves, will be different, but good therapy isn't usually about changing the people around you. Usually, its about deepening and challenging the way you, yourself, have learned to operate and communicate in the world around and inside of you. A good therapist will work with you to raise your own personal standards about how you treat yourself and others, and what you are willing to tolerate in return. What therapy isn't about is getting the people around you to lower their standards and learn to tolerate disrespectful behavior from you.

Articulate your goals to your therapist, and take responsibility for staying on course with these goals. If you don't feel you are being heard, or challenged, share that directly with your therapist. Don't use therapy as another place where you don't take responsibiility for getting your needs met.

Which brings me to the next tip....

3) Your therapist is a) not a mindreader, and b) is responsible for taking care of their own feelings.

Check in with your therapist about what is and what isn't working in your work together. Don't expect him or her to know this. Along those lines, don't withhold important information from your therapist. For example, if you are having an affair or self-medicating with alcohol or food, be brave and share. What you don't share can define your relationship and sabotage your goals. And remember, your therapist is not there to judge you but to help you grow as a fellow human being (and whom has their own challenges along the way too).

If you tend to be a caretaker outside of your therapist's office, you might find yourself wanting to play this role in his or her office as well. Don't. Your therapist is responsible for taking care of their own feelings. I've heard more than once people say things like "Well, I didn't want to hurt his feelings." Even if you say something that the therapist strongly disagrees with or their feelings are wounded, you should always feel you are encouraged to have a dialogue about that without in any way feeling its your job to caretake your therapist. If your therapist becomes defensive or responds in a way that makes you feel unsafe or attacked, share that in the moment. If the dialogue isn't a respectful, productive one, you may need to assess immediately if the boundaries are safe.

However,...

4.) Be open to real feedback.

There is a difference between being criticized by your therapist, and being given feedback by him or her that might make you uncomfortable but will allow you to grow into a more relational, respectful, authentic, and mature human being.

I once worked with a couple for several weeks when one of the partners became quite angry with me for not convincing his spouse to take a sailing trip that he had planned. Her reason for not wanting to go was that he frequently berated her with belittling names. "At least when we're at home, I can get away when I want to," she explained. "But how am I going to get away when we're on a boat in the middle of an ocean?"

Good question. Unfortunately, his response to that was an explosive and abusive one. I would have been doing no one, but especially him, any favors not sharing what I was experiencing there in the room with them."

"May I offer you some feedback?" I asked him. I watched as he shifted in his seat and grabbed the cup of coffee beside him. Then he responded with more of a mutter than anything, "Go ahead."

"You might not like it," I warned. "So I want to be sure you are giving me permission."

I watch him suck a deep breath of air in through his nostrils. "Shoot."

"If how you are in this office today is even an inkling of how you behave outside of this office," I said, " then I wouldn't want to go on this trip either, any more than I'd feel safe driving home with you today."

Its not an easy thing to hear, I know, but what we were able to get to is that the very communication tactics that made him very successful as an attorney were wreaking havoc on his marriage and family life. Because he was willing to be open to this feedback, unpleasant as it might have initially felt, we were quickly able to begin working on turning him into the kind of partner that his wife not only wanted to go on a sailing trip with but whom she actually got excited again about spending the rest of her life beside.

5) Consider asking for homework between sessions and take treatment recommendations seriously.

You see your therapist for a very brief time out of all the hours in your week. Homework that provides a focus and structure for your goals, and expands on the themes you are exploring in therapy can be very beneficial. Homework can come in various forms, from book recommendations, journaling assignments, a planned date with your partner, or a specific commitment to act on something such as exercise or a therapist's recommendation to get a medical or psychiatric evaluation.

Consider that when you don't follow professional recommendations your therapist believes may truly help that you may be undermining your goals, and self-sabotaging the therapy process.

6) Expect that things may feel worse before they feel better.

As the old motto goes, "No pain, no gain." In relationships, ignorance can only be bliss for so long. There is nothing more rewarding than seeing your relationships with yourself and those you love blossom and transform out of old, paralyzing paradigms. Put in the honest, dedicated effort, and the short-term pain will be well worth it.

**Please note that where clients have been mentioned, details have been slightly changed so that their information could not be recognizable to anyone who might be reading this.**

-

"Gate 22" & Miscellaneous Thoughts on Therapy...

Gate C22
by Ellen Bass

At gate C22 in the Portland airport
a man in a broad-band leather hat kissed
a woman arriving from Orange County.
They kissed and kissed and kissed. Long after
the other passengers clicked the handles of their carry-ons
and wheeled briskly toward short-term parking,
the couple stood there, arms wrapped around each other
like he'd just staggered off the boat at Ellis Island,
like she'd been released at last from ICU, snapped
out of a coma, survived bone cancer, made it down
from Annapurna in only the clothes she was wearing.

Neither of them was young. His beard was gray.
She carried a few extra pounds you could imagine
her saying she had to lose. But they kissed lavish
kisses like the ocean in the early morning,
the way it gathers and swells, sucking
each rock under, swallowing it
again and again. We were all watching--
passengers waiting for the delayed flight
to San Jose, the stewardesses, the pilots,
the aproned woman icing Cinnabons, the man selling
sunglasses. We couldn't look away. We could
taste the kisses crushed in our mouths.

But the best part was his face. When he drew back
and looked at her, his smile soft with wonder, almost
as though he were a mother still open from giving birth,
as your mother must have looked at you, no matter
what happened after--if she beat you or left you or
you're lonely now--you once lay there, the vernix
not yet wiped off, and someone gazed at you
as if you were the first sunrise seen from the Earth.
The whole wing of the airport hushed,
all of us trying to slip into that woman's middle-aged body,
her plaid Bermuda shorts, sleeveless blouse, glasses,
little gold hoop earrings, tilting our heads up.

---

Ellen Bass is well known for her work on helping others recover from sexual abuse, and unfortunately, not as well known for her equally beautiful work as a poet. Personally, I find myself referring to lines from poems often as I seek to more deeply understand and imagine the possibilities and challenges in my own life, and those of family, friends, and clients. Poets such as Hafiz, Rumi, Kabir, Mary Oliver, and David Whyte may have been our original therapists without knowing it.

One poem I find meaningful to many couples has been "The Third Body" by Robert Bly. The idea behind it is that in any relationship there are three bodies- there is your own that you solely are responsible for physically, spiritually, mentally, and emotionally. Then there is your partner's body and they are responsible to do the same, not asking the other to do what we must do for ourselves. This means caretaking ourselves the way a gardener would tend to their own garden- pulling out the weeds as they rise without blame, denial or too much delay, and taking personal responsibility for the direction and quality of our lives. And then there is this "third body" that you are both responsible for nurturing and nourishing together. This image is one that many people like and intuitively grasp easily, and often allows for people to create a new, more inspiring image for the health of their relationship. When any of these three bodies aren't being respected and well cared for, the health of the other two often are impacted for the worst.

Two very common examples of self neglect are ignoring our own cherished dreams for what we want most in life and/or denial of addictions. Addictions can range from substance abuse to pornography to video games. Both often play an insidious and destructive role, and the more either is minimized or denied, the longer the relationship might suffer. How many times have I seen relationships seem to magically improve as one spouse reclaimed a buried dream such as writing or painting, lost weight they had been carrying for years, or left a soul-sucking job? Sometimes, the sense of unfulfillment in our lives can be misplaced onto the relationship. Rather than take a gentle but firm critical look at ourselves, we will take a blatant and scathing critical look at our partners instead. This is a particular danger as we enter mid-life, and feel compelled to evaluate the decisions we have made. By mid-life, the emergence of our wrinkles in the mirror no longer allow us to pretend that we are exempt from the passage of time and the consequences of our actions. This can be an incredible time of rebirth and opportunity depending on our attitudes and responsibility we are willing to take into this next chapter of our lives.

In a wedding I attended there was a table placed at the foot of the podium. Three candles were lit. As part of the tradition, the bride and groom each took one candle and then together, lit the third. Then, they blew out their own candles. I found myself wishing that they had each kept their own candles lit, and allowed for all three candles to be aflame side by side- a perfect metaphor to me for the message of "The Third Body."

To close, I recommend spending some time, if you don't already, with the poetry of writers such as Rainer Maria Rilke, Rumi, or Mary Oliver, for starters. You may find, as I and others have, that they allow us to reimagine our lives in fantastic new ways. Recently, I redesigned my entire living space from the paint color to nearly everything else. You wouldn't recognize it from before, but my favorite thing I did was blow up favorite lines of poets that inspire me. A few examples that have continued to create profound inner shifts for me are:

“This sky where we live is no place to lose your wings so love, love, love.” (Hafiz)


"Tell me, what do you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" (Mary Oliver)


“If you don't break your ropes while you're alive do you think ghosts will do it after?” (Kabir)

I decided to start off this new year by reading this poem in the mornings. Hope you might like it too...

A Morning Offering

I bless the night that nourished my heart
To set the ghosts of longing free
Into the flow and figure of dream
That went to harvest from the dark
Bread for the hunger no one sees.

All that is eternal in me
Welcome the wonder of this day,
The field of brightness it creates
Offering time for each thing
To arise and illuminate.

I place on the altar of dawn:
The quiet loyalty of breath,
The tent of thought where I shelter,
Wave of desire I am shore to
And all beauty drawn to the eye.

May my mind come alive today
To the invisible geography
That invites me to new frontiers,
To break the dead shell of yesterdays,
To risk being disturbed and changed.

May I have the courage today
To live the life that I would love,
To postpone my dream no longer
But do at last what I came here for
And waste my heart on fear no more.

~ John O'Donohue ~

Hope for Bulgaria's Children Struggling With Mental Illness

Earlier this fall, an article in the New York Times caught my eye. It was about the Bulgarian Helsinki Committee, an international human rights organization based in Sofia, Bulgaria, and their ongoing attempts to bring landmark charges against those whom have fatally neglected the rights and access to care of mentally ill children across Bulgaria.

Since 2000, it is reported that 238 children in Bulgaria’s mental health homes have died. As quoted in the NY Times, “More than three-fourths of the deaths were found to have been avoidable: 84 from physical deterioration caused by neglect; 36 from exposure to cold or long-term immobility; 31 from malnutrition; 13 from infections caused by poor hygiene; 6 from accidents; 15 were unexplained.”

I would have been a lot more likely to bypass this article had I not served as a Peace Corps Volunteer in Bulgaria from 1998 to 2000. While living in a small town tucked away in the central Balkan mountains, I experienced firsthand the legacy that continues from the Soviet era well into 2010. The next train stop over from my town, Dryanovo, was Tsareva Levada, a small village with a population of no more than two thousand people. Every building in Tsareva Levada, like the majority across Bulgaria, let you know by their horrid condition tthat they had endured against all odds. They stood stoically in their often gray and peeling paint, plaster chips dangling like dead leaves, burnt out lights and insufficient heating the norm.

The people living inside these buildings endured as well. Inside some units lived grandmothers who rationed their daily beans to make sure they’d have enough to make their meager pensions stretch to month’s end. In Tsareva Levada stood a large two story concrete structure that housed a number of children and teenagers. I had been told this structure was an orphanage and over the two years I lived in Bulgaria, I took my students there to visit them from time to time and as part of a community service project led by two students I was supervising. I can remember one occasion when we had a spring picnic and had brought bananas. A number of the children were biting right into the peel or scratching at it, unsure of what to do with this odd-shaped yellow object. This was a reflection of the limited budget granted to these institutions to ensure a proper nutritious diet as well as meet other basic needs.

It wasn’t until I was close to completing my time as a Peace Corps Volunteer that I learned this wasn’t an orphanage at all. Many of these children, as it turned out, did have parents and families,and many would only go home only at the holidays. The majority of these children struggled with various mental health conditions and it was for this reason that they were living in Tsareva Levada, and not because they didn’t have homes and families somewhere in Bulgaria. Looking back, I shudder when I wonder how many of their mental health conditions may have been created or further exacerbated by possible lifelong neglect and abuse on so many levels.

Why weren’t they with their families all along? Unfortunately, they were part of a long tradition during the Soviet era where the mentally ill- children and adults alike- were banished to institutions in villages and countrysides where they could be more easily forgotten. As quoted in an article by Oksana Yakushko in the Mental Health Counseling Journal, “Mental illness was typically associated with prison-like mental institutions.” Though there had once actually been a rich tradition of psychotherapy practice in imperial Russia, under Communism there would be no welcome shelter to protect the human rights of the mentally ill.

When the Iron Curtain crumpled to the ground in the early nineties , the neglected plight of many of the region’s mentally ill continued under the crushing weight of historic changes and increasing poverty for many. The Bulgarian Helsinki Committee seems determined to terminate this chapter of their history and to restore accountability of governments and caregivers across Bulgaria. “It’s about ending impunity,” said Margarita Ilieva, legal director at the Bulgarian Helsinki Committee. “This will instill a fear of criminal liability, and that will change the behavior of the executive branch of government.” For its part, the Bulgarian government has announced it will close all mental health institutions housing children within fifteen years.

Fifteen years is a long time away though if you are a Bulgarian child struggling as you and I sit here in Oregon. As the investigations continue, the most crucial impact will only occur with a national awareness campaign that truly educates Bulgarians about the nature and special needs of the mentally ill. Once these institutions finally do close, little will change if these children’s local communities and the families with whom they will permanently reside still do not understand their needs nor embrace their equal rights as fellow human beings. It is the mentality that created and sustained these institutions that will still need to be dismantled long after the last institution’s front gates have been closed for the last time.

For more information, you can visit the Bulgarian Helsinki Committee’s website at www.bghelsinki.org.
(This is a piece to be published in ORCA's (Oregon Counseling Association) next newsletter but may be of interest to others following the human rights issues of those struggling with mental illness worldwide.)

Things To Think

Think in ways you’ve never thought before.
If the phone rings, think of it as carrying a message
Larger than anything you’ve ever heard,
Vaster than a hundred lines of Yeats.

Think that someone may bring a bear to your door,
Maybe wounded and deranged; or think that a moose
Has risen out of the lake, and he’s carrying on his antlers
A child of your own whom you’ve never seen.

When someone knocks on the door, think that he’s about
To give you something large: tell you you’re forgiven,
Or that it’s not necessary to work all the time, or that it’s
Been decided that if you lie down no one will die.

(Robert Bly)

I reconnected with this beautiful poem below this morning as I was looking for something to open a presentation related to how we grow and change as human beings...a vague topic, a VAST topic, but one that always fascinates me because we are always unfurling before each other's very eyes, if we pay attention and allow ourselves to. We should never write anyone off, beginning with our very own selves. It fascinates me how different situations or relationships or places illicit or summon different selves to come rushing and leaping forth, or slithering back, or cowering in the corner, or feeling safe enough for the first time to step from behind, an often self-imposed, curtain. Life often isn't as much about peeling back layers but being brave enough to design and create new ones altogether.

This is an especially meaningful topic to me at this time as I heal and recover from a significant loss and transition in my own life. I've never been the type of therapist to pretend that everything is alright when its really not, and truth be told, the past year was likely the most painful of my life. Therefore, this topic is particularly raw and important to me. How do we change? and grow into the people we long to be, especially when life throws its knockout punches from time to time? How long do we allow ourselves to lick our wounds? to grieve when we hurt so much and are in such searing pain? For me, by allowing it, by not pretending I'm anywhere other than I am, and then letting the pain take new shape into something more manageable and useful. What we resist, of course, usually persists.

I plan to use this poem and the quotes below in my presentation and thought others might find them meaningful too.

AUTOBIOGRAPHY IN FIVE SHORT CHAPTERS 
by Portia Nelson

I

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost ... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.

II

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place
but, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

III

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in ... it's a habit.
my eyes are open
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

IV

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

V

I walk down another street.


And this is from Herbert Otto:

“Change and growth take place when a person has risked himself and dares to become involved with experimenting with his own life.”

“We are all functioning at a small fraction of our capacity to live life fully in its total meaning of loving, caring, creating, and adventuring. Consequently, the actualizing of our potential can become the most exciting adventure of our lifetime.”

If you wish to consider this, what fraction of your capacity would you estimate you are using lately in your ability to love and care and create and adventure???

"Every person we encounter is a specialist of sorts with a wealth of knowledge and history that, if shared, would make us richer, more human and understanding. Unless we accept this we will continue to indulge ourselves in selective listening- learning and relearning what we already know, or what we think we already know, effectively keeping us from true change and growth, confirming our ignorance and our lack of sensitivity."

- Leo Buscaglia from his collection of speeches, Living, Loving, & Learning